...it's the only plot we got.

Archive for January, 2011

Rescue the Princess Super Year End Award Spectacular: b-rock’s Top 5 Game Stories of 2010

Best Game Stories of 2010 CHOSEN WITH DESTINY AND JUSTICE

Ready your bodies and souls for 2010’s best game stories as decreed by b-rock, Rescue the Princess’ Personification of Discordia! The OFFICIAL and DEFINITIVE LIST…until Cooleto or Lost Link put up theirs!

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Rescue the Princess! – #0005! Short Version!

It’s the short, edited version of “Corpse on the Table” aka podcast FIVE by Lost Link! Rescue the Princess talks about PLAYER DEATH IN GAMES! There’s gameplay inside! LOST LINK CUT OUT PAC-MAN AND PLANESCAPE: TORMENT TALK?? What a fiend!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

  • Assassin’s Creed series (KINDA)
  • Batman: Arkham Asylum (LOTS)
  • Bioshock series (KINDA)
  • Fire Emblem series (NOT REALLY)
  • Heavy Rain (KINDA)
  • Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver (NOT REALLY)
  • Limbo (NOT REALLY)
  • Metal Gear Solid (NANOMACHINES)
  • Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (NOT REALLY)
  • Prince of Persia 2008 (NOT REALLY)
  • Resident Evil 4 (NOT REALLY)
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (KINDA)

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Enthusiastically edited by Lost Link.


RUMOR CONTRACT: The 3rd Birthday Is Square-Enix’s First Real Foray Into Pornography

The 3rd Birthday contains three tentacle sex scenes, five heterosexual sex scenes, thirteen lesbian sex scenes, two gay sex scenes, and twenty counts of softcore behaviour

Also contains tentacle rape.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Gallian Army Invades Akihabara; Forcibly Drafts Civilians

Valkyria Chronicles III: Attack of the Clones

Valkyrur are reported to be purging Sony offices with azure flames; Sega revels in vengeance.

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Portraits of the Princess – XI: Open Your Heart

caria0's Princess Sapphire Rhodonite and Almaz von Almadine Adamant

jewel with chainsaw
history’s strongest being
best of luck almaz

Click pic for big sexy res. Artwork by caria0.


Rambles in the Mist – IX: “Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective” is Best Story of 2011

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective...BEST GAME STORY OF 2011??

Sprites sublime and perfection pixelated; there can be no other contenders of this pedigree…must I say more?

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Rescue the Princess! – #0005! Corpse on the Table?? Long…but with GAME VIDEO!

It’s podcast number FIVE! Rescue the Princess crew talk about…PLAYER DEATH IN VIDEOGAMES! Sorry, Bioshock fans; BLAME B-ROCK FOR THE DELAYS! Is player death an integral factor in games? b-rock says BOLLOCKS to that! Cooleto says it’s IMPORTANT! Lost Link mediates from the middle with METAL GEAR BIAS! There’s GAMEPLAY (ewww, GAME MECHANICS, I mean!) FOOTAGE INSIDE!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

  • Assassin’s Creed series (KINDA)
  • Batman: Arkham Asylum (LOTS)
  • Bioshock series (KINDA)
  • Fire Emblem series (NOT REALLY)
  • Heavy Rain (KINDA)
  • Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver (NOT REALLY)
  • Limbo (NOT REALLY)
  • Metal Gear Solid (NANOMACHINES)
  • Pac-man (1000% TRUTH)
  • Planescape: Torment (NOT REALLY)
  • Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (NOT REALLY)
  • Prince of Persia 2008 (NOT REALLY)
  • Resident Evil 4 (NOT REALLY)
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (KINDA)
  • Splinter Cell: Conviction (KINDA)
  • Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (IT’S FORCE UNLEASHED)

…and some other stuff but maybe we didn’t really talk about it? Get audio only mp3 here! What do YOU think about player death? Email the show or post in the comments!

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Enthusiastically edited by Lost Link.


Rambles in the Mist – VIII: Tim Schafer Loves Arthouse Director; Rescue the Princess Loves Tim Schafer More

Tony Leung has cameos in both of these

Rumor? Wong Kar-Wai’s next movie is adaptation of Psychonauts fused with Ashes of Time…?

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Top 6 Most Developed Characters in Video Games

tingle

Who are the most developed characters in gaming?

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Index Murdered After Forcing Atlus’ Children Into Prostitution

Atlus cosplays as Mother Harlot during her working hours

Atlus confesses to crime; gaming world looks on in morbid curiosity.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Europe and the Americas Don’t Care About Story, Says Nintendo

This game probably isn't good

Citing The Last Story as their prime example, Nintendo also illustrated why the Western world is unable to read.

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Portraits of the Princess – X: Teo Torriatte

genki-de's Kachua Powell/Catiua Pauel of Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together

aisuruhito yo
glory to valeria
let’s cling together

Click pic for big sexy res. Artwork by genki-de.


RUMOR CONTRACT: Kingdom Hearts Arrested For Taunting Fans

KINGDOM HEARTS YAOI THAT IS WHAT RESCUE THE PRINCESS IS ALL ABOUT

Desperate gaming junkies pleaded to see the Square-Enix powerhouse, only to be verbally assaulted when Kingdom Hearts left its office on Tuesday.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Final Fantasy XIII-2 Delayed To Avoid Confrontation With Ar Tonelico Qoga

Yun Fang x Lightning FF yuri hentai not available yet

Revelations over high levels of sexual content has Square-Enix in retreat.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Z-List Actors Find Employment in Rockstar’s L.A. Noire

L.A. Noire is realism

Rockstar Games unlock keys to realism: the uncanny valley and amateur directing.

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Top 7 Greatest “Reveals” in Video Game Stories

TRUTH

Prepare your mind and soul for the greatest revelations in games of now and forever. Also SPOILERS.

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Portraits of the Princess – IX: A Clockwork Peach

CrazySharly's Princess Peach

such lovely pixels
pink wine with no gravity
gorgeousness made code

Click pic for big sexy res. Artwork by CrazySharly.


RUMOR CONTRACT: Nintendo Outraged Over Portrayal In Lesbian Dating Sim

Sexy Console Wars a la Japan

Family entertainment giant Nintendo pushes for damnatio memoriae on Idea Factory’s Hyperdimension Neptunia.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Canadians Attempt to Convert World to Bisexuality via Dragon Age II

Hawke x Bethany is canon

Confirmed: everyone in Kirkwall is bisexual.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Catherine Confirms Fetishy Preferences of PS3 and 360 Owners

What's YOUR nightmare?

Atlus’ Persona Team has discovered that 1000% of PS3 owners fancy T while 1000% of 360 owners fancy A.

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Rescue the Princess! – #0004! A New Hope! Long But Still Short Edition??

Podcast FOUR! So unlucky! But that’s ok, because this one was OBVIOUSLY FILMED ON NOT THE SAME DAY AS PODCAST THREE! The crew talks about EIGHT upcoming games of 2011 that may or may not have AWESOME stories but they better have awesome stories or heads will roll! You better look forward to these games too! Except anything from b-rock, as his selection contains far too much SEXY BEAST! ALL PODCASTS NSFW BY THE WAY!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

Get audio only mp3 here! Is this the shortest UNCUT podcast from Rescue the Princess ever???? Top 3 list good and proper write-ups coming soon! HEY LISTEN write in what YOUR prophesied best game stories of 2011 will be! NOTHING FROM THE END OF THE YEAR; SORRY LAST GUARDIAN AND MASS EFFECT 3. Oh hey what’s this in April?

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Erotically edited by b-rock.


Portraits of the Princess – VIII: But Thou Must Adventure!

King Cheddar's Lady Lora and the HERO of Dragon Quest

you cannot refuse
she persists with her command
how sisyphean

Click pic for big sexy res. Artwork by KingCheddarXVII.


Rescue the Princess! – #0003! Top 3! Long Edition!

Podcast THREE! First real podcast of 2011! b-rock is hungover, Cooleto is ringing in the new year, and Lost Link has vuvuzela fever! The crew wraps up NINE games, with THREE games a person, declaring the best game stories of 2010! Don’t you dare take this talk with a grain of salt; it’s not opinion, it’s FACT!

SUPER spoilers for:

  • Obsidian Entertainment’s Alpha Protocol
  • 2k Marin and 2k China’s Bioshock 2
  • Bungie’s Halo: Reach
  • Quantic Dream’s Heavy Rain
  • Playdead Studios’ Limbo
  • Kojima Productions’ Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
  • 4A Games’ Metro 2033
  • Rockstar San Diego and Rockstar North’s Red Dead Redemption
  • Atlus and Lancarse’s Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey

Get audio only mp3 here! Will also have GOOD AND PROPER WRITE-UPS for each of our TOP 3 lists so prepare yourselves for elegant extrapolation soon to come! Also tell us what YOUR top 3 game stories of 2010 were! Make sure to have lots of LA PASSIONE and beat out b-rock’s pretensions, Cooleto’s genius, and Lost Link’s bollocks!

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Compliments to John Williams. SUPERBLY synced by Lost Link and EUPHORICALLY edited by b-rock.


Rescue the Princess #0002! Lost Link Editing Edition!

Rescue the Princess Episode 2, “Don’t Spare a Bear!”, edited by Lost Link! It’s shorter, more compact, version of this and has GAME VIDEO inside! Craziness!

SUPER spoilers still stand for:

  • Batman: Arkham Asylum (LOTS)
  • Bayonetta (KINDA)
  • Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (KINDA)
  • Donkey Kong 64 (KINDA)
  • God of War 3 (KINDA)
  • Goldeneye (KINDA)
  • Kingdom Hearts (KINDA)
  • The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (BIGTIME)
  • Metal Gear Solid (ALL OF IT, RUN AWAY)
  • Metroid Prime (KINDA)
  • No More Heroes (KINDA)
  • Planescape: Torment (BIGTIME)
  • Red Dead Redemption (BIGTIME)
  • Shadow of the Colossus (BIGTIME)
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (KINDA)
  • Spider-man: Shattered Dimensions (KINDA)
  • Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 1 and 2 (BIGTIME kinda who cares it’s force unleashed)

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”.