RUMOR CONTRACT: Europe and the Americas Don’t Care About Story, Says Nintendo
Citing The Last Story as their prime example, Nintendo also illustrated why the Western world is unable to read.
“Why do I even have to explain?” Shigeru Iwata, King of Nintendo, said to journalists outside of Castle Nintendo. “They’re all just dumb.”
“The Last Story is a role-playing game,” he continued, sipping champagne out of a Mana Tree-shaped glass. “That means there’ll be a lot of words. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think those Westerners can handle it.”
“Historically, the United States have never warmed up to RPGs,” says Heinrich Abbalony, professor of Localization Studies at the University of Neo Massachusetts. “I feel that it was wise to keep The Last Story away from State shores. After all, it’s not as if the Wii is one of the world’s most popular consoles. As for the eurotrash, well, who gives a Frenchman’s fuck about them?”
Upon bringing up the Final Fantasy series, Abbalony was dismissive.
“A fluke. That fad will end after its thirtieth iteration.”
“Do you recall a poorly-received game known as ‘Pokemon’?” asked the King of Nintendo as journalists followed him to his Slime-shaped car. “We did preliminary tests on Japanese players and American players; 97% of Japanese players said they knew exactly what to do and 0.3% of Americans said they could read it. What does that tell you?”
When a journalist from Siliconera explained that the Japanese language was not commonly taught in public schools, the King of Nintendo summoned several demons from his personal DS, resulting in 10 dead and 47 injured.
[b-rock is an accredited RUMORMONGER, formerly affiliated with the Kuzunoha Detective Agency. Now freelance due to (CENSORED) which resulted in former staff of Square being sacrificed in a (CENSORED) to resurrect a long-dead god. “The Last Story” is a videogame that is too complex for pathetic Western minds. Developed by Mistwalker and AQ Interactive, companies self-destructing to satiate the mad whims of Nobuo Uematsu.]
This entry was posted on January 21, 2011. It was filed under b-rock, Pretentious, RUMOR CONTRACT and was tagged with 1000 percent truth, america, aq interactive, dragon quest, english motherfucker, europe, final fantasy, gameboy, genre, hironobu sakaguchi, illiteracy, japan exclusive, literary, localization, megaten, mistwalker, nintendo, no export for you, nobuo uematsu, pokemon, role-playing game, rpg, rumor, secret of mana, shin megami tensei, snes, story, subtitles, the crawling chaos, the last story, videogames, wii, words, yellow journalism.