...it's the only plot we got.

Posts tagged “story

Gaming’s 5 Most Attractive (And Rejected) Stalkers

Lezard Valeth, the Edward Cullen of Videogames

It is a truth commonly known that the best of the best tales of romance contain wild obsession and attempted rape and murder, from Apollo and Daphne to Les Miserables to Twilight to the greatest tale of all, WALL-E; videogames are no exception. But in celebration of Singles Awareness Day, let us not read about those who were successful in their pursuits! Let us read about those who tried yet inexplicably failed, despite their personal beauty, charisma, and insanity!

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Rambles in the Mist – X: The Romantic Horrors of Harvest Moon – Regarding Player Responsibility in Choosing Marriage Candidates and the Annihilation of the Happiness and Existence of Others

The Romantic Horrors of Harvest Moon - a study by Dr. Phil E. Mon

[b-rock is but a conduit for the Crawling Chaos.]


RUMOR CONTRACT: Pokemon Black and White to Have Romance and Sexual Education in World Release

Black, White, N threesome rape is canon

Due to overwhelming amounts of love and lust on the Internet, Game Freak has added a romance mini-game.

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“Metroid: Other M” Has Best Game Story and Characters of 2010

Samus' ass holds the future of Metroid

It’s official, says Rescue the Princess crew.


Rescue the Princess! – #0006! Karma Crunchcast! Uncut!

Podcast episode SIX filmed on LUNAR NEW YEAR! Rescue the Princess argue over the purpose of the KARMA METER in videogames! Is it necessary? Is it a relic of a generation long past? Is it a topic that everyone actually agrees upon?? Will the crew EVER get to the Bioshock episode????? Find out right now! WARNING: It’s long and uncut but there are pictures and a few video clips and NSFW LANGUAGE!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

  • Baldur’s Gate (NOT REALLY)
  • Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn (NOT REALLY)
  • Baldur’s Gate II: Throne of Bhaal (NOT REALLY)
  • Dragon Age: Origins (NOT REALLY)
  • Dragon Age II (NOT REALLY)
  • Fallout 3 (NOT REALLY)
  • Fallout: New Vegas (NOT REALLY)
  • James Cameron’s Avatar: The Game (NOT REALLY)
  • Mass Effect (NOT REALLY)
  • Mass Effect 2 (KINDA BUT IT SHOULDN’T BE)
  • Metal Gear Solid (KINDA)
  • Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker (KINDA)
  • Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations (KINDA)
  • Planescape: Torment (NOT REALLY)
  • Red Dead Redemption (NOT REALLY)
  • Shadow the Hedgehog (NOT REALLY)
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (NOT REALLY)
  • Spider-Man: Web of Shadows (NOT REALLY)
  • Splinter Cell: Conviction (NOT REALLY)
  • Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (NOT REALLY)
  • Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords (NOT REALLY)

May have been other things mentioned but it probably wasn’t important like Force Unleashed! Get audio only mp3 here! What are your thoughts on the karma meter and the ways to abolish it? Email the show or post in the comments! This podcast was not sponsored by Meat Bun!

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Erotically edited by b-rock.


Rescue the Princess Super New Year Predictions and Prospects: b-rock’s MAYBE Top 5 Game Stories of 2011

Top FUTURE Game Stories MAYHAPS for 2011!

Gaze upon b-rock’s divinations for the year of 2011 CE; know that Rescue the Princess is never, EVER wrong! This is the official list! Dissent will be crushed with an 8-bit pixel!

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Rescue the Princess Super Year End Award Spectacular: b-rock’s Top 5 Game Stories of 2010

Best Game Stories of 2010 CHOSEN WITH DESTINY AND JUSTICE

Ready your bodies and souls for 2010’s best game stories as decreed by b-rock, Rescue the Princess’ Personification of Discordia! The OFFICIAL and DEFINITIVE LIST…until Cooleto or Lost Link put up theirs!

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Rescue the Princess! – #0005! Short Version!

It’s the short, edited version of “Corpse on the Table” aka podcast FIVE by Lost Link! Rescue the Princess talks about PLAYER DEATH IN GAMES! There’s gameplay inside! LOST LINK CUT OUT PAC-MAN AND PLANESCAPE: TORMENT TALK?? What a fiend!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

  • Assassin’s Creed series (KINDA)
  • Batman: Arkham Asylum (LOTS)
  • Bioshock series (KINDA)
  • Fire Emblem series (NOT REALLY)
  • Heavy Rain (KINDA)
  • Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver (NOT REALLY)
  • Limbo (NOT REALLY)
  • Metal Gear Solid (NANOMACHINES)
  • Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (NOT REALLY)
  • Prince of Persia 2008 (NOT REALLY)
  • Resident Evil 4 (NOT REALLY)
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (KINDA)

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Enthusiastically edited by Lost Link.


Rambles in the Mist – IX: “Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective” is Best Story of 2011

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective...BEST GAME STORY OF 2011??

Sprites sublime and perfection pixelated; there can be no other contenders of this pedigree…must I say more?

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Rescue the Princess! – #0005! Corpse on the Table?? Long…but with GAME VIDEO!

It’s podcast number FIVE! Rescue the Princess crew talk about…PLAYER DEATH IN VIDEOGAMES! Sorry, Bioshock fans; BLAME B-ROCK FOR THE DELAYS! Is player death an integral factor in games? b-rock says BOLLOCKS to that! Cooleto says it’s IMPORTANT! Lost Link mediates from the middle with METAL GEAR BIAS! There’s GAMEPLAY (ewww, GAME MECHANICS, I mean!) FOOTAGE INSIDE!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

  • Assassin’s Creed series (KINDA)
  • Batman: Arkham Asylum (LOTS)
  • Bioshock series (KINDA)
  • Fire Emblem series (NOT REALLY)
  • Heavy Rain (KINDA)
  • Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver (NOT REALLY)
  • Limbo (NOT REALLY)
  • Metal Gear Solid (NANOMACHINES)
  • Pac-man (1000% TRUTH)
  • Planescape: Torment (NOT REALLY)
  • Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (NOT REALLY)
  • Prince of Persia 2008 (NOT REALLY)
  • Resident Evil 4 (NOT REALLY)
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (KINDA)
  • Splinter Cell: Conviction (KINDA)
  • Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (IT’S FORCE UNLEASHED)

…and some other stuff but maybe we didn’t really talk about it? Get audio only mp3 here! What do YOU think about player death? Email the show or post in the comments!

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Enthusiastically edited by Lost Link.


RUMOR CONTRACT: Europe and the Americas Don’t Care About Story, Says Nintendo

This game probably isn't good

Citing The Last Story as their prime example, Nintendo also illustrated why the Western world is unable to read.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Z-List Actors Find Employment in Rockstar’s L.A. Noire

L.A. Noire is realism

Rockstar Games unlock keys to realism: the uncanny valley and amateur directing.

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Top 7 Greatest “Reveals” in Video Game Stories

TRUTH

Prepare your mind and soul for the greatest revelations in games of now and forever. Also SPOILERS.

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RUMOR CONTRACT: Canadians Attempt to Convert World to Bisexuality via Dragon Age II

Hawke x Bethany is canon

Confirmed: everyone in Kirkwall is bisexual.

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Rescue the Princess! – #0004! A New Hope! Long But Still Short Edition??

Podcast FOUR! So unlucky! But that’s ok, because this one was OBVIOUSLY FILMED ON NOT THE SAME DAY AS PODCAST THREE! The crew talks about EIGHT upcoming games of 2011 that may or may not have AWESOME stories but they better have awesome stories or heads will roll! You better look forward to these games too! Except anything from b-rock, as his selection contains far too much SEXY BEAST! ALL PODCASTS NSFW BY THE WAY!

Maybe kinda spoilers for:

Get audio only mp3 here! Is this the shortest UNCUT podcast from Rescue the Princess ever???? Top 3 list good and proper write-ups coming soon! HEY LISTEN write in what YOUR prophesied best game stories of 2011 will be! NOTHING FROM THE END OF THE YEAR; SORRY LAST GUARDIAN AND MASS EFFECT 3. Oh hey what’s this in April?

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Erotically edited by b-rock.


Rescue the Princess! – #0003! Top 3! Long Edition!

Podcast THREE! First real podcast of 2011! b-rock is hungover, Cooleto is ringing in the new year, and Lost Link has vuvuzela fever! The crew wraps up NINE games, with THREE games a person, declaring the best game stories of 2010! Don’t you dare take this talk with a grain of salt; it’s not opinion, it’s FACT!

SUPER spoilers for:

  • Obsidian Entertainment’s Alpha Protocol
  • 2k Marin and 2k China’s Bioshock 2
  • Bungie’s Halo: Reach
  • Quantic Dream’s Heavy Rain
  • Playdead Studios’ Limbo
  • Kojima Productions’ Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
  • 4A Games’ Metro 2033
  • Rockstar San Diego and Rockstar North’s Red Dead Redemption
  • Atlus and Lancarse’s Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey

Get audio only mp3 here! Will also have GOOD AND PROPER WRITE-UPS for each of our TOP 3 lists so prepare yourselves for elegant extrapolation soon to come! Also tell us what YOUR top 3 game stories of 2010 were! Make sure to have lots of LA PASSIONE and beat out b-rock’s pretensions, Cooleto’s genius, and Lost Link’s bollocks!

Opening music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”. Compliments to John Williams. SUPERBLY synced by Lost Link and EUPHORICALLY edited by b-rock.


Top 5 Games With Top Story That Are Always On Top 5 Lists When There Are Better Alternatives

Alternative Gamestyle

Don’t you want to play alternatively?

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Musings of Mudora – II: Speaking of Metal Gear…

gears

It’s the stealth. The situation. The feel of it. MGS is one of the first truly interactive forms of entertainment. It immerses you into the role of the protagonist in Kojima’s feature film. The characters you meet along the way, the setting, the things you learn, all come together in a solid (no pun intended) package (no pun here either) that provides an intuitive gameplay system that works.

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Finding Yoshi’s Cookie – I: Gameplay vs. Story

I HATE THE TERM GAMEPLAY

Circumstance 1. I have yet to find all of the hundreds of stars in Mario Galaxy 2. I have one left to get and it’s a daredevil multi-course speed run. Every time cloud Mario gets shocked and dies on the floor, tears seep from my eyes. Not because I feel for this plumber, but because I want to get that last star and look awesome while doing it.

[Ed: SPOILERS FOR RED DEAD REDEMPTION]

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Rescue the Princess! – Podcast #0001!

This is the first videocast but not really! Disjointed arguments about nothing in particular! Yeah! Get it in mp3 here or here! End of video cuts off! WHY?? Download instead of streaming if you want the BRILLIANT ending!

Music jacked from “8-bit Escape from L.A. Theme”.